29. Right now you rarely curse, and you think about sex all the time. In the future, you will curse constantly, and also, think about sex all the time.

28. When you are 32, do not eat a tomato in April. Because you’re going to get salmonellosis from it and you are going to be the sickest you’ve ever been in your life and it’s naaaaasty and totally worth being tomato-free for a month to avoid it.

27. Very soon you’re going to start listening to hard rock and heavy metal, you’re going to figure out it’s not “devil music,” and some things about your life will be different, just because of that.

26. When you are 30, you’re going to go to the humane society one Sunday morning, and you’re going to make the best choice of your life. Trust your instinct. It’s the right one, and she’s going to be your happy place when you need it most. But I don't need to tell you any of this, because you won't be able to resist those big brown eyes.

25. The first time he hits you, leave. Don’t go back. It’s not going to get better. He’s not going to change. He’s lying.

24. Some arguments are worth having. Most are not. Just walk away. You aren’t going to listen to me at 13, and you still have trouble with it at 36. But it’s true.

23. You’re not going to be a mom. You struggle with that a lot. I can’t give you any good advice about that, because it just fucking sucks, is the thing. But maybe you wouldn’t have been any good at it anyway. Yeah, honestly you probably would’ve been really good at it, but that’s part of the whole “life’s not fair” thing.

22. Pay attention on the way down those stairs. It’s gonna hurt like hell when you fall down them and sprain your ankle and then have to figure out how to get back upstairs to your 3rd floor walkup apartment.

21. Don’t put the Pyrex baking dish on the burner to melt the butter. It will explode into nine billion pieces.

20. You’re not going to have a huge group of girlfriends to hang around and do girl things with. Sometimes that will make you feel sad, but mostly you like being left alone. You never stop loving your alone time.